Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Resurrection Day

So, this Resurrection Day wasn't exactly how I envisioned it would be 6 weeks ago.  At that time, I had picked out an adorable little sailor dress, a sweet little navy/white argyle sweater vest and had even figured out what Thomas and I would have worn.  I couldn't wait to get pictures as a family of 4 made at church.  I couldn't wait to make a PINK Easter Bucket.  Alas, it just wasn't in God's plan for that to happen.  However, the Lord was faithful to us throughout the holiday, as He always is, and allowed us not just to make it through, but actually enjoy celebrating His resurrection.  We still colored eggs, we still ate chocolate bunnies and searched for a pocket-change filled prize egg.  We still sang His praises and worshipped with our wonderful church family, thankful for the meaning of the day.  Only a few times did the pang of anger and resentment and pain crop up.  And, when it did, the Lord would inevitably send our dirty little boy running up to us with an ear-to-ear smile (that we've been missing) showing us an egg he found, or bringing me a "flower" from the back yard!  He surrounded us with family and friends who have been instrumental in supporting and encouraging us and gave us the re-birth we've been needing!  We've even been given another ministry opportunity that we are SO excited about...because we can see God's hand at work!  No, we are not opening our home to another child, but we are still hoping to help change a family tree for God's glory in the coming weeks and months! 

As we begin to move on with our lives, I catch myself wondering often about Marie.  Where is she?  What is she doing?  Is she happy?  Does her new family remember that she's allergic to red dye?  Are they careful about that?  Does she cry for me at night?  Does she still hear about Jesus?  Will she ever know how I love her?  I beg Jesus to protect her and keep her in His hands.  I beg him to bring her back to us someday.  And, we continue to clear our lives of reminders that there was once a perfect little girl living with us.  We've sold pretty much everything in her room.  The only thing still hanging is the first thing I hung after we painted.  It's a beautiful turquoise cross that says "It is Well With my Soul."  I wanted to teach HER what that meant - instead, God is teaching me what it really means. 

When Peace Like a River Attendeth My Way
When Sorrows Like Sea Billows Roll
Whatever My Lot, Thou Hast Taught me to Say
It is Well, It is Well with my Soul. 

It's true - we're in pain, we struggle, we get angry; but, God is there and it is well with my soul.  And, the peace does come in waves...just when it's needed...and washes over just like a river, cleansing and giving me breath just when I think I've run out!  And, God continues to help Malachi.  This holiday weekend was so good for our little family of 3.  Good time together, participating in long-standing traditions we've made with him...normalcy.  That's what we needed - and we've seen a huge improvement in his heart and emotions!  We celebrated a "re-birth" of sorts of our own hearts and family right along with celebrating the Reason we have life to begin with!  Now, we keep moving forward marking the firsts we won't have with her...thankful for the fifths and tenths we have with him and praying that one day we might get to celebrate a first again!