Tuesday, October 25, 2011

In Which I Share My Heart

So, if you've been reading my little ol' blog for any length of time, you know that we have been entrusted with the most beautiful, sweet, smart and hysterical boy of all time.  Or, at least, that's what I think, because I'm allowed!  Anyway, Malachi is absolutely the best thing, besides our Jesus, that has happened to our marriage!!  He brings us so much joy and warmth and filled a void we didn't know existed in our life.  I have the most wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally and encourages me not only in my daily life, but also in my spiritual life!  We have a beautiful home, an amazing extended family, good jobs, an awesome church family and continue to grow in our walk with Christ.  So, what could be missing?  Well...that's easy for us to see and sometimes hard for others to see. 

It's no secret, we want another baby.  Last October, we announced we were pregnant by painting pumpkins and painting an extra one for another sweet baby that we were never to hold.  This year, we painted pumpkins, and it was one more painful reminder about what is missing in our life!  We're coming up on the year anniversary of one of the worst days of our life and, the fact that we're still not pregnant makes that anniversary particularly bitter.  July was hard - knowing that's when we would've been due for our entire life to change again.  But, with reflection, silent time spent grieving again and the Lord's daily sufficient grace, August came and we sighed thinking maybe, just maybe, that would be our month.  August came and went, so did September, and still, no smiley face, no double lines, no "pregnant."  9 months...9 months of Clomid have been completed and still, we wait.  The Lord knows why we're waiting and, as much as I'd like to know too...I'm too scared to know everything HE knows so I'll continue to be patient. 

For 16 months now, we've been on this all too familiar journey to bring another precious baby into our family...to make Malachi a big brother and to give my parents another grandchild.  This is by far the longest wait we've had once the Lord has planted the desire for another child in our life.  However, it's also the most beneficial time we've had in our marriage and the most growth-filled time we've had in our walk with Christ.  That's a definite plus to the struggles we've had.  If we'd gotten pregnant immediately and never had another complication, would we ever have fully realized the complete miracle that occurs when a baby is conceived?  Would I ever have appreciated my sweet Malachi the way I do now because I learn each  month just how amazing having him was?  Would I ever have appreciated the encouragement, support and love I get from my husband?  Maybe...but those are things I most definitely would've missed out at this time in our life together! 

I've found a wonderful group of women from all across the world who share the pain of secondary infertility and have been given the opportunity to encourage them from the strength I've been given of the Lord.  I've also found out just exactly where my priorities are and that I may only get one chance to be a parent.  If that's it...I've got to strive to be the best parent God can make me!  I screw it up ALL the time and sometimes I get down on myself when I'm not everything I know God wants me to be as a Mom.  Sometimes I'm too hard on Malachi...other times I'm not hard enough.  It's a CONSTANT balancing act.  (Which isn't easy when you're the daughter of a parenting expert!)  In all though, I have to remind myself that my ONE task in life isn't to make sure that my discipline skills are perfect or that my child never misbehaves.  My one goal, my one duty, my one responsibility, is to raise Malachi to know the love of the Lord and to instill in him the faith I have in MY God so that one day he has his OWN relationship and, ultimately, we'll be together in Heaven.  I pray that I have the opportunity to instill that in at least one more child of my own but, if not, I'm determined to be thankful and to have the testimony that whatever my lot, I've been taught to say, IT IS WELL with my soul!