Thursday, December 18, 2008

Day by Day

We were BACK at the Dr. yesterday for another check-up/weight check. The results? He lost the 5 oz he gained last weekend. However, his RSV wasn't as bad as Dr. Young thought it would've been and his Oxygen levels were great. His eating had been going very well, he hadn't been spitting up much at all and he actually pooped on his own. So, although the weight loss wasn't good, Dr. Young seemed happy with the overall visit. He told us to keep doing what we had been doing and come back on Friday.

Now, it's Thursday morning, 10:45a.m. and yesterday evening/last night and this morning haven't been so great. He spit up quite a bit last night, and I just called my mom and he was getting his clothes changed again because he spit up. Now, I'm in a quandry. Do I call the Dr. now? Do I wait for one more bottle to see if he can hold all of it down and then, if he does, wait until tomorrow? If I call now, I KNOW what they're going to say. They're going to want to see him, they'll examine him and they'll send us to the hospital in Lubbock. Is that what's going to happen anyway? I don't know. We only have 1 more hour to go before he needs to eat again, so it's just a waiting game right now. I probably should've packed my bags last night though. I just have a feeling.

Now for the important part of this blog. Can I just be honest?

I am completely at my wit's end. I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I'm tired of being frustrated. I'm angry. Why is this happening to MY baby? Why does there have to be one more thing heaped upon us THIS YEAR? Why does this have to be happening over Christmas? Why can't we just get a break? When am I going to have my little boy back? When will I see the fat rolls and full cheeks and big ol' belly? When can I feed him cereal again? He's so ready. He opens his mouth every time we eat, he pulls anything he can to his mouth. I'm jealous that there are other babies out there who are doing fine. I'm tired of hearing about happy things. No, I don't really want anyone else to go through this. I don't think anyone reading this blog will truly believe that. I do, however, believe that anyone reading this will sympathize with my feelings. I don't want Malachi to weigh as much as his sweet, beautiful cousin Elliot. He should weigh WAY more than her. IT'S NOT FAIR.

Hold on...the perspective is coming back...Life's not fair is it? It wasn't fair when we lost Malachi's twin. But, it's not fair for a lot of other women who only have 1 baby inside of them, and lose that baby. At least when I lost Malachi's twin, I got to keep Malachi. It's not fair that Malachi is SOO sick and that we are still struggling after 2 full months of Dr.'s visits. But, it's not fair for Marcus and Julie who have to start a 17 day cycle of Chemo and Radiation with their 3 year old daughter, Camryn, 3 days before Christmas. It's not fair that this is the WORST part of her treatment and that it's happening NOW, right before Christmas! It's not fair that I haven't had the time, energy or motivation to send out Christmas cards with a cute picture of Malachi's first Christmas outfit. It's not fair that we may have to spend Christmas, worst case, in Lubbock at the hospital, or best case, at home, alone, isolated from family and friends on what SHOULD have been our happiest Christmas yet. But, it's not fair to a lot of families who don't even have their babies here with them, or who want babies so badly they'd KILL to be in my situation. It's not fair that because of Dr.'s visits and X-Rays and Ultrasounds that we couldn't absolutely shower Malachi with gifts this Christmas, like I SO wanted to. (I know, he doesn't even understand, but, still, isn't that one of the best parts of having a baby at Christmas? Giving them cute new things?) But, it's not fair to babies in other parts of the world who don't have Malachi's nice, warm bed, clean PJs to change into when he spits up and a pediatrician and pediatric gastroentorologist who are watching over him like a hawk.

So, while I have my feelings, my fears, my anxieties, my anger and my frustrations...I am trying VERY hard to maintain my faith, my trust and my hope in MY God! Maybe, just maybe, this will turn out to be one of the best Christmases we have ever had. Yep...maybe I'm going to vow to remember what Christmas is REALLY about. It's not about showing off Malachi in cute Christmas cards. It's not about new outfits, toys or other junk that the Bible says will pass away one day. It's about celebrating the fact that 2008 years ago, Jesus came to Earth as a little baby. Just like Malachi. He was vulnerable, dependant and trusted his mother for everything. Can you imagine being Mary that day? She knew that she was giving birth to a precious baby boy that one day she would have to watch die a terrible death. She KNEW, yet she maintained her faith and raised Jesus just like she was supposed to do. With EVERYTHING we're going through with Malachi, I have the assurance and the faith that our Doctors are doing everything they can to see Malachi through all of this. At least I'm not raising him, knowing that he'll die and that I'll have to watch it happen.

Wow, God, thank you for that revelation. I didn't start this post intending to get so upset or intending to hear God speak to me in such a strong voice as He is right now. But, I'm thankful that I did. This year, I vow that Christmas will be about thankfulness, about celebration of the gift God gave us in his Son over 2000 years ago. I vow not to complain anymore (okay, at least to work on not complaining as much) and to be happy with what all I DO have, instead of what all I don't. I vow that I will tell Malachi about his first Christmas and the struggles we went through, only to come out with a deeper knowledge of God's love. I think that in the last 10 minutes, I have come to appreciate and love God for his sacrifice more than I ever have before. Who would've thunk that would've happened sitting at a desk, at work, with phone calls and e-mails coming in and going out? My prayer is that Malachi will learn at a VERY young age to be thankful, and to see that God is in control, always and forever. His eye truly is on my little sparrow and I KNOW He is watching me!

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